Let me warn you, I’m slapping these in the “600 calorie death spiral” category ASAP. Nanaimo bars are sweet. Tooth-achingly, sugar coma-inducing sweet. Guess how much butter this recipe packs into an 8 x 8 pan?

Okay, you guessed two. I’ll give that to you, because it was obvious. How about this? What is that yellow, creamy middle layer 90% comprised of?

Drat, you guessed a stick of butter. And you were right.

Nanaimo bars — I keep wanting to call them Nanowrimo bars —are a Canadian invention, intended to nourish moose hunters in the frigid Yukon winters much like the Eskimos gained their needed calories from whale blubber. It’s common for moosers (as the great Yukon moose hunters call themselves) to fabricate dozens of batches of Nanaimo bars in the fall, pack them in their own dogsled, and thus haul the sweets with them throughout their winter hunting on the tundra.

quit making things up already

There were two required parts to this Daring Bakers Challenge: make your own graham crackers, preferably gluten-free, and make the Nanaimo bars. The gluten-free grahams recipe called for several specialty flours, and I didn’t look forward to a) hunting them down or b) spending $30 on flours I literally would never use again.

Instead, I made a graham cracker recipe I’ve made before: Whole wheat graham crackers from King Arthur Flour Whole Grain Baking. As always with crackers, I had trouble rolling the dough thin enough (read: I couldn’t). However, even the crackers that came out thick and cookie-like were tasty, of course. How could they not be? Crackers are made using the same cutting-solid-fat-into-flour method as pie crust. Don’t expect homemade crackers to be similar to store-bought. They are very rich in comparison — not the kind of cracker you can eat a few dozen of easily.

Nanaimo bars are three layers: bottom is crushed grahams, cocoa, chopped nuts, coconut, butter. The butter middle layer is basically butter, with some powdered sugar and custard powder. I can only imagine those dry ingredients are added to the butter to stabilize it, because they don’t add much flavor. The top layer is melted chocolate chips with…guess. Come on, guess. Butter!

As you also may have guessed, Nanaimo bars aren’t quite my cup of tea. I found them cloyingly sweet (and I like sweets) with little going on other than chocolate and butter. The nuts, coconut, and grahams are entirely lost, and I have no idea what the custard powder is supposed to taste like because the layer it’s in simply tastes like a stick of butter.

However! Linda and Dad really liked them. Mom thought they were too dark chocolate-like. So I’m likely the weirdo here, missing out on something amazing.

whole grain graham crackers

Adapted with permission from King Arthur Flour Whole Grain Baking.

oven: 350 degrees
yield: 6 dozen 3-inch crackers
baking time: 12 to 15 minutes

1 cup (4 ounces) whole wheat flour
1/2 cup (2 ounces) whole barley flour
1/2 cup (2-1/8 ounces) unbleached all-purpose flour
1/4 cup (1-7/8 ounces) packed light or dark brown sugar
1/4 cup (1-3/4 ounces) granulated sugar
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
1/2 cup (1 stick, 4 ounces) unsalted butter, chilled
1/4 cup (2 ounces) milk
Cinnamon sugar (optional)

Combine dry ingredients in a large bowl. Cut in butter until the mixture is crumbly. Alternately, use a food processor, and pulse in short bursts until butter is nearly pea-sized.

Add the milk and combine until you have a stiff dough. You may need to add a bit more or less milk depending on local humidity. Knead the dough lightly until it’s smooth. It’s okay to work with this dough a little bit, but take care to only knead until the bread is smooth — you don’t want to completely incorporate the butter; you want to be able to see bits of butter poking through.

Divide dough into 2 pieces and flatten into a rectangle. Wrap in plastic wrap and chill until firm, about an hour, or overnight. I chilled mine overnight.

Working with one piece of dough at a time, and leaving the other in the fridge, roll out the rectangle very thin on floured parchment paper, about 1/16th of an inch thick. With a sharp knife or a pizza cutter (I prefer the pizza cutter), trim the edges from the dough to form a clean rectangle about 9 x 12 inches. Save scraps to re-roll later.

Cut the dough into 3-inch squares, then cut each square in half. Prick the crackers with a fork or a dough docker. Transfer the parchment, dough and all, to a baking sheet.

Repeat with second piece of dough, saving its scraps as well. Re-roll the scraps into more crackers. The re-rolled dough bakes up surprisingly well, not much tougher at all, nearly indistinguishable from the “virgin” crackers.

Top crackers with cinnamon sugar, if desired.

Bake crackers until lightly browned, 12 to 15 minutes. I found 14 minutes worked well in my oven, and I did one pan at a time while rolling and preparing the next. Transfer crackers to a wire rack to cool.

For Nanaimo bars, place graham crackers in a plastic bag and crush with a rolling pin to make 1-1/4 cups graham cracker crumbs.

nanaimo bars

Bottom Layer

1/2 cup (115 g) (4 ounces) Unsalted Butter
1/4 cup (50 g) (1.8 ounces) Granulated Sugar
5 tablespoons (75 mL) Unsweetened Cocoa
1 Large Egg, Beaten
1 1/4 cups (300 mL) (160 g) (5.6 ounces) Gluten Free Graham Wafer Crumbs (See previous recipe)
1/2 cup (55 g) (1.9 ounces) Almonds (Any type, Finely chopped)
1 cup (130 g) (4.5 ounces) Coconut (Shredded, sweetened or unsweetened)

Middle Layer

1/2 cup (115 g) (4 ounces) Unsalted Butter
2 tablespoons and 2 teaspoons (40 mL) Heavy Cream
2 tablespoons (30 mL) Vanilla Custard Powder (Such as Bird’s. Vanilla pudding mix may be substituted.)
2 cups (254 g) (8.9 ounces) Icing Sugar

Top Layer

4 ounces (115 g) Semi-sweet chocolate
2 tablespoons (28 g) (1 ounce) Unsalted Butter

Directions:

1. For bottom Layer: Melt unsalted butter, sugar and cocoa in top of a double boiler. Add egg and stir to cook and thicken. Remove from heat. Stir in crumbs, nuts and coconut. Press firmly into an ungreased 8 by 8 inch pan.

2. For Middle Layer: Cream butter, cream, custard powder, and icing sugar together well. Beat until light in colour. Spread over bottom layer.

3. For Top Layer: Melt chocolate and unsalted butter over low heat. Cool. Once cool, pour over middle layer and chill. Makes 16 servings.

Each serving is 312 calories. Two bars surpasses the 600 calorie death spiral threshold.

Today is Mom’s birthday. Go Mom! I won’t tell you which birthday it is, since she’s a tad shy about that. I’m just gonna say she had me when she was very very young. Nearly criminally young. Not that she’s a criminal. I don’t think.

Got anything to confess, Mom?

Grandma used to make this, her favorite cake, for her on her birthday. Which was pretty nice of her considering she wasn’t her mom, but her mother-in-law.

Naturally I assumed it was some secret family recipe, scrawled in chickenscratch cursive on a spattered and yellowed recipe card. Lovingly tucked into a battered tin box. Like something in a soft-focus “Mom, what do you do on those not so fresh days?” commercial.

I asked Mom the other day where to find the recipe.

“It’s on the back of the Baker’s Sweet Chocolate box,” she said.

Oh. Okay, then.

the cake is a lie

It’s not handed down from German immigrants. It’s named after the guy who owned the Baker’s chocolate company. His last name was German. No, it wasn’t German. It was German. As in Bob German. Or Phil German.

I know. It’s confusing. Have some cake; you’ll feel better. And for gods’ sake, whatever you do, do not read the nutrition information at the bottom of the recipe. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

And the recipe was invented by a homemaker in 1957 and published in a Dallas newspaper. The rest, as they say, is history.

I’m going to keep calling it “German chocolate cake” though. It just makes life easier.

the cake is real. ta da.

It turned out really well. I used pecans Aunt Geri sent as packing material in the gift box a couple Christmases back. Pretty handy having relatives with pecan trees.

Mom and Sis said it was as good as Grandma made it. It’s a pretty sweet cake, not in the cool sense but in the omg diabetic coma sense. I made it as written, because for some reason my white whole wheat flour, which is my go-to flour for quick substitution, tastes stale. I think it came that way, because I got it into the freezer the moment I brought it home.

So what we have here is a very moist cake made with 4 ounces of sweet German chocolate. It’s a bit labor intensive what with the beating of the egg whites and stuff, but that’s what keeps it light as well. It’s not dense-feeling at all.

The frosting is sheer decadence. Four egg yolks, butter, sugar, evaporated milk, sweetened coconut, and chopped toasted pecans. I mean shit, this cake has everything.

Look. You don’t frost the sides. You’re not supposed to frost the sides on this cake. Trust me. You’ve had enough sugar already. I don’t need you bouncing off the walls even more.

german chocolate cake

Adapted from the Baker’s German’s Sweet Chocolate box. You always know you’re getting the real high-end recipes with me.

prep: I forgot. This cake takes a while.
servings: 16
oven: 350 degrees

the cake:

1 package (4 ounces) Baker’s German’s Sweet Chocolate
1/2 cup water
2 cups flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup (2 sticks) butter, softened
2 cups sugar
4 eggs, separated
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 cup buttermilk

Line the bottoms of 3 9-inch round pans with parchment or waxed paper. Grease the sides.

In a microwave-safe bowl, nuke the chocolate and water until it melts, 1 to 2 minutes. Stir after 1 minute; it’ll probably be melted already.

In a medium bowl, stir together the flour, baking soda, and salt.

In a large bowl, cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Add egg yolks, one at a time, mixing well after each addition. Pout in melted chocolate mixture and vanilla and mix well. Add half the flour mixture and mix well, then half the buttermilk, blending that in as well. Repeat with the rest of the flour and buttermilk.

Beat egg whites until stiff peaks form. Fold into the batter. Pour into the three prepared pans.

Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Cool in pans on wire racks for 15 minutes, then remove layers from pans and let them cool completely on the wire racks. You’ll probably have to run a knife or spatual around the sides of the pans to get them to remove cleanly, but it works.

Spread the coconut-pecan frosting on each layer, for three total layers of frosting. Don’t frost the sides.

the coconut-pecan frosting:

4 egg yolks
1 can (12 ounces) evaporated milk
1-1/2 teaspoons vanilla
1-1/2 cups sugar
3/4 cup (1-1/2 sticks) butter or margarine
7 ounces flaked sweetened coconut (about 2-2/3 cups)
1-1/2 cups pecans

Spread the pecans in a large skillet. Toast over medium-low heat about five minutes, shaking often. They’re done when they’re warm and you begin to smell pecans. Remove immediately from heat. Let cool, and chop into small pieces.

Beat the egg yolks, milk and vanilla in large saucepan with wire whisk until well blended.

Add sugar and butter; cook on medium heat for 12 minutes or until thickened, stirring constantly. The original directions say to look for a “golden brown” color but it won’t be golden brown; it’ll be more of a dark french vanilla color. Remove from heat.

Add coconut and chopped pecans; mix well. Cool to room temperature, or until it seems thick enough to spread. I spread it when it was still quite warm, and it worked out fine.